Chapter 3 - Hawk Can't Decide

Casey found the walk back not nearly as treacherous. Moogie trotted beside the two of them, and a companionable silence grew as the trees closed in.

All day, Hawk had been trying to reconcile his growing feelings for Casey with the torch he still carried for Diane. She had recently left Washington for a professorship at the University of Maine. They'd left things ambiguous, too ambiguous for his liking. She'd called once or twice, when she arrived in Augusta, and lately his phone calls to her had gone unreturned. Diane had never been a clingy person, and he appreciated this about her. He was sure she would not appreciate long-distance clinginess from him.

Casey, for her part, was wrapped up in the mystery of Harold Smith. She had tried to get more information out of Margaret, but it was like trying to get blood from a stone. "I've told you all you need to know," she told Casey as she ushered everyone out. "Good luck," she added, before closing the door in Casey's face.

Casey decided to pick Hawk's brain about Harold. "So, do you know anything else about Harold Smith that might be useful for me?"

"Lived on the east coast. Grew up in Boston." The mention of Harold Smith did not improve Hawk's mood. His expression was stony, almost angry. Her faux pas made her too nervous to say another word as they worked their way back to the cruiser.

"Thank you for introducing me to Margaret," she said demurely as she got in the car. Hawk nodded just perceptibly, opening a back door for Moogie to climb in. Great, Casey thought. I should've said that when we were back at the station. What are we going to talk about the rest of the way back?

Her fear was confirmed. They both had to laugh when Moogie barked at a German Shepard riding in the back of a truck, but no more conversation was forthcoming. Something heavy settled in Casey's stomach, and she built a stone wall around it to keep the butterflies out.

"I don't think we need to file a report," Hawk said as the station came into view. She jumped at the sound of his voice, but looked at Hawk with blandness in her expression and glass in her eyes. "Good." She smiled in the way a parent smiles at their child's teacher. "Thank you again, Deputy Hawk."

"Don't think anything of it." He watched her bend over to attach Moogie's leash, strands of her ponytail flying into her face, and he wished he could proceed with a clear heart. Her guard was up again, and it saddened him. He waits until she's almost to her car before calling out, "Good to see you and Moogie again."

She looked up and smiled, but it was quicksilver and cheap. Waved once as she put the car in reverse, her head flipping back and forth to check for other cars. Moogie poked his horse head out the window and watched him as the small car pulled away.

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Sheriff Harry Truman came into the file room as Hawk pulled open a drawer, intent on finding a ten year old robbery write up. "Hey, Lucy said you took a girl to see Log Lady this morning? What was that about?"

"Her name is Casey. Just moved into Harold Smith's old apartment yesterday. She came in early this morning and said she saw a noose hanging from the rafters in that sunroom he had."

"Holy smoke." Harry perched on a dusty metal desk. "Did Margaret help her any?"

"Margaret told her to introduce herself to Harold, tell him her story, get acquainted." Hawk's voice was incredulous. "If I was her I'd be moving out."

"Yeah. Good thinking taking her up there though. So is Casey here permanently?"

"For the summer only. Grad student at WSU."

"Oh." Harry had also gone to WSU; his interest was piqued. "She going to Spokane or Pullman?"

"Didn't specify, Harry."

"What's she majoring in?"

"I didn't ask." Hawk finally found the file he needed and closed the drawer, using enough force to shake the whole wall of filing cabinets. Harry crossed his khaki arms, raised his eyebrows. He had been Hawk's friend through many a girlfriend, and many a subsequent breakup.

"This girl Casey, she's getting under your skin, isn't she?"
Hawk didn't respond.

"Hawk, she left." Harry's tone forgave Hawk for everything the deputy was beating himself up over.

"I don't know what to do, Harry." Hawk let his options hang in the air unspoken. It would be easy to drop by Casey's place, see how she was doing, ask if she'd like to get dinner or maybe take a long walk (on a straight road, he thought). Only problem was, he couldn't stand the idea of giving up on Diane. Not quite yet.

But Harry was right. She *had* left. Diane had always put her career first, and Hawk had never had a reason to find fault with that. He thought of himself as doing the same. Their relationship had burned hot and cold throughout the years as a result. But he couldn't deny that her latest career move showed him plainly where he stood on her list of priorities.


"You're already on the path. You don't need to know where it goes. Just follow." Hawk had to laugh at hearing Harry quote his own words to him. Harry clapped Hawk on the shoulder and walked most of the way out the door before turning to ask, "So you didn't tell me, did she find the noose still hanging when she got home again?"


Hawk wrinkled his brow. "I didn't ask. I should've come with her to look. My mind was... wandering." He looked at the dusty file, then at Sheriff Truman, who knew the look on Hawk's face too well. "Just go. I'll see you tomorrow. Tell her I'd like to talk with her about WSU some time."


"Thanks, Harry." Hawk handed him the file and took off at a trot. Lucy gave him an annoyed look as he passed her desk. "Let me know next time you're going to bang things around, Off-ic-er HILL. It startled me so much, I almost had the baby!"


Hawk turned away, grimacing. "Sorry, Lucy."


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Hawk pulled up behind Casey's blue Honda. Every light in the place was on. Can't blame her, he thought. He knocked at the door and was greeted by a dog howling. He could hear Casey shushing Moogie. She pushed aside the blue curtains on the door, smiled when she saw who it was. She's happy to see me, he thought as the lock clicked and the door opened. The thought centered him, made him feel warm inside. Right up until Moogie rammed his black head straight into Hawk's crotch.


Casey covered her mouth so Hawk, writhing in pain, wouldn't see her snorting with laughter. She managed to pull Moogie into the house and partially close the door to keep him inside. "Crate time for you, dude," she told him. She returned outside, knelt next to Hawk and said in a somewhat strangled voice, "I'm so sorry. Are you okay?"

"No." He sat up, his handsome face still contorted in pain. Casey attempted to straighten her own face, pressed her lips together. It really isn't funny, she scolded herself. "He was confined for a while. I had to go shopping," she explained.

Hawk remained crouched on the ground, glared at her out of the corner of his eye.

"You know you'll laugh about this someday, Hawk."

"Not if I can't have children."

Casey felt her lower lip start to quiver and she squished her mouth shut again. She stood up and held the door open. "I made chocolate chip cookies," she offered.

Hawk mumbled something that ended in "bag of peas."

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Casey sat in her bright green chair at her bright green desk, stealing glances at the man sleeping on her couch. She felt like a kid on Christmas day, staring at a lit up tree and stockings heavy with presents. He'd been sleeping for about fifteen minutes, after picking himself up off the grass and eating most of the cookies she'd baked. She kept thinking she should've woken him by now, but his face, soft and relaxed in sleep, stopped her in her tracks every time.

She was also trying to write something, anything, in her journal. She didn't write in it everyday, only when she needed to sort out something confusing. She pushed the green chair back, set her feet on the edge of the desk and placed the laptop on her triangled legs.


Had the weirdest day ever... and I really mean it this time. A noose was hanging in the sunroom when I got up this morning. I didn't know what the hell to do, so I went to the police station to talk to Hawk, the deputy who gave me that bizarre look when I was moving in yesterday. Turns out, the man who lived here was some kind of shut-in, and he HANGED himself. In the sunroom. I felt bad for Hawk, he actually found this guy hanging from the ceiling and everything.

And it's not quite over yet either... Hawk took me to see this woman who talks with a log. She's some kind of seer or mystic... the log is supposed to be the soul of her dead husband. Grief makes us all do strange things, this I know. Anyhow, Log Lady told me I'm supposed to introduce myself to Harold, the dead guy, and tell him stuff about myself, I guess anything I want as long as it's the truth. This had better work... just being here is sort of creepy. I have all the lights on and Moogie will be sleeping in bed from now on, no more crate... although he just did a crotchshot on poor deputy Hawk when he came to the door, that got him some crate time.

Not sure why Hawk is here, to be honest... it seemed like there was something going on between us on the way to Log Lady's, there was some bantering and I'm pretty sure he checked me out when I took my sweater off... then when we were in her house he grabbed my knee to stop me from saying something stupid. It wasn't supposed to be a sexual touch, but it sure felt that way to me, I'm pretty sure to him too. It was like an electric shock. Oh and he kinda took my arm at the sheriff's station too... same thing, although I'm not sure if that was just on my end. I was pretty upset at the station. Anyhow, that's a lot of touching for two people who are almost complete strangers.


But then on the way back, it was like a switch got flipped. No banter, no smiling, and a facial expression he stole from the Washington Monument. So then we got back to the station, and Moogie and I ran some errands, bought some groceries and stuff, and then came back... to the home of the noose. Nothing was here. Of course. But I know that it *was* there. And it could be there again, that or something else I wouldn't appreciate. So I talked to Harold for a while. Didn't tell him anything you don't already know though.


She glanced at the couch again and saw Hawk blinking himself awake.


"What did you put in those cookies?" Hawk sat up and rubbed his eyes.

"Carbs." Casey flicked a small smile over her shoulder and kept typing. From inside his crate, Moogie picked his head up and yipped, soft and sad. "Too bad, Moog. You're dangerous tonight," Casey murmured.

Hawk peeked over the couch arm and lifted his eyebrows at her. "Thanks for putting him in there. How long have I been sleeping?"

"You're welcome, although I think he's pretty sorry about what he did. You were conked out for maybe fifteen, twenty minutes. Should I have woken you up?" She laid the laptop on the desk again and turned to face him. Hawk smiled and shook his head for what seemed like the fourteenth time that day.

"So did you introduce yourself to Harold?"

"I did." Casey crossed her legs into a lotus position on the green chair. "I talked to Mr. Harold Smith for probably about an hour after I got back from Albertson's. I swear I heard a pen scratching as I was doing it too."

Hawk gave her a funny look. "There's a grocery store in town. No reason to drive all the way over to George."

Casey shrugged. "I like big supermarkets better anyway. And I needed some time to process things, you know? I wasn't really eager to see, you know, the sunroom."

"Was anything there?"

"Oh no, of course not. My broken coffee cup was, though."

"And then you talked to Harold and baked cookies." Hawk's voice had a smirk in it.

"Not just cookies. I made shepherd's pie too. And iced tea. I was thinking about making brownies when you knocked." Casey started listing brownie ingredients in her head and realized she had no idea where the vanilla extract was, although the almond extract was out on the counter, and that might work too, although she'd never used it in brownies before...

"You're holding out on me." Hawk hopped up to go to the kitchen, Moogie whining as he passed the crate.

"You have to be kidding me. You can't be hungry." Casey closed the laptop and followed him into the kitchen. "Didn't unpack silverware yet. There's paper and plastic next to the sink." She pulled a beer out of the fridge as Hawk cut himself a large piece of the shepherd's pie. "You better leave me some of that."

"Your dog tried to neuter me. Consider us even. *Almost* even." He looked around the mostly bare kitchen. "Didn't get too far in here?"

"Nope. I have a little table that attaches to the wall and a couple of stools. Maybe do that tomorrow after work." Casey yawned and stretched her arms over her head. Hawk used the moment to snatch the beer out of her mostly outstretched hand and pop the cap off against the counter. He smiled broadly at her look of annoyance. "Did you want one, deputy?"

"Yup. That one." He took a swig and went back into the living room with his loot, leaving Casey to take another beer out of the fridge for herself. She looked around and thought about putting things away, cleaning up a bit, but just the thought of domestic chores made the heaviness of her day descend on her.

Casey flicked the kitchen lights off and took her beer into the living room. Dare I sit on the couch with him? she thought. She decided she did - and then sat at the extreme opposite end, legs folded beneath her. She sighed, sipped her beer, and thought to herself, I am never gonna get laid again. I'll go write *that* in my journal, maybe.

Hawk looked over at her, eyes glowing in the lamplight. "Want help setting up that table?" His voice had something besides helpfulness in it, and Casey wondered if perhaps she had spoken too soon.

He scooted over, close enough to touch, and then extended his arm around her shoulders, like a high school boy at the movies. Her heart beating so fast she imagined Hawk must be able to hear it, she tilted her chin up a bit, and let her lips part just a little. As she had imagined, his big hand felt good tangled up in her hair... just enough aggression, just forceful enough. Her body began to tingle with that special brand of anticipation reserved for new lovers and first kisses. She slowly let her eyes close.

Hawk then mussed her hair and flipped it over her face, much the same way her older brother's friends used to. Perplexed, Casey pulled away, flipped her eyes open. Hawk had not moved, but he somehow seemed infinitely further away. He squeezed her shoulders. "Where's your toolbox, Casey?"

Disappointment had not washed over her quite this thoroughly in a long, long time. She mashed all her emotions down deep and took a moment to think about where her toolbox might be. I'm gonna need a different kind of tool later, she decided.

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About half an hour later, Hawk got in his truck and watched the light in Casey's bedroom go out. The distance she put between them after his little stunt on the couch could be measured in Grand Canyons.


He had fully intended to kiss her, wanted to kiss her, still wanted to kiss her, for that matter; but at the last second Diane's face popped up in his mind. He'd panicked. And then he had actually messed up her long brunette curls, softer than he would have imagined and smelling like some kind of exotic fruit, and flipped the entire dark cloud over her face.

He laid his forehead on the steering wheel. The look on her face had been almost heartbreaking. The power of regret made the memory of her body all the more compelling. He could still feel the softness of her hip and thigh, the sharp dip of her waist, the weight and roundness of the small perfect breasts he'd admired earlier in the woods.

And on top of that, she made a mean shepherd's pie. Which he'd probably never get to taste again.

There's no word for the kind of idiot I am, he thought as he turned the key in the ignition. He was sure he'd see the chastisement in Casey's eyes as he went to sleep tonight.